16th
holiday’s passed in 16 years… When in this every season comes, I'm having a
cruel time affording to understand of letting go of the past loss. Where heart
breaks thousand time folds while walloping over the inevitable loss of someone
else's close to my heart. Where I made time traveled sailing back to the gloomy past fringing my own world over
the quietus of dear to me; where I became unexcited over the joy that everyone
quite to enjoy celebrating with.
Truth be told, the pangs of uncertainties haunted
me constantly in years whenever this season comes. It ricochet. I made time
stop (again) and the clock ticks 16 years aback... It’s a memory that I am
trying to death embed under unto the most ground but keeps coming back from its
grave. A thought that is almost immortal, a zombie-alike...
In the face
of glass half-empty beer, I am always reminded with someone dear to me, a dearest
mirrored in my heart enormously. That’s Father, yes the beloved colossal hero of
my life. The one I truly look up to... My "influencer."
Many things
happened in the span of his on-and-off hospice admittance. It was excruciatingly a struggle... But few days before his final breath in bed at
home, he asked me and beg to have his best-loved beer… A drink that made my path turned around. A drink
that change the course of my fate. A final drink he left half-full, half empty glass
of beer that forever etched in memory.
His passing was
my greatest loss knowing that he was everything. So much that he means the
world to me. Doubts shrouded over me with his complete loss, thinking over and
over that I might done something wrong... I lost my track and sight of envisioning
life. I let the passing-time swallowed me whole. Then and now, It was always darkest
hours. That bitter breaking final moment
was as hard as mixed sullen solid rock-salt that no such heat or solvent could
easily make it melt and or sweeten. That “I wanted to drink from a horn to let
my body grime over with grease and gore”, then.
It was
difficult. Addle to every goings. And the struggle was real. Murky reminiscences
keep crawling in me alive….I was weak and fragile to face the reality. That, at my weakest I want everything in me
breathless.
But this has
to end. It’s never good to stay sulky and gloomy over the past.
Punishing your
own thoughts that holds back your will to keep going was a mistake to begin
with should I realized then long before. It was wrong all along to let the unfortunate
circumstances torment you while traversing the road called moving on. It’s been
16 years and it will never bring any good. Great happy memories that shared
together should cherish, not those amongst that’s agonizing. A father’s life
teaching virtues and noble lessons should have been more revered and value
rather than lingered yourself by his absence
repeatedly that made you stop the time and remained to his unseen presence.
 |
| Father and Son, one in the same passion: the love of music |
As I make
resolve, I knew it will be a thorny walk ahead while facing the challenges of
new decided beginnings. But for the sake of shaping the best installed, we need to look and go forward, that I must. Find your bliss. It may be too late but there’s no harm
in trying even it means of starting all over and over again. It's never too late for a heart who seeks and desires joy and happiness.
It
will be for good to end this 2017 with a toss of beer to rest the encumbrance
of the heart. I may be jogged or banged by the memory of the glass half-empty
beer that banes me in a while, but there’s one segment part of life that is “glass
half-full” in a glass half-empty. That is to be “optimistic” (once more). And that
the “beer” alone whom once tossed by my hero (actually) leaved me a lesson: “Brave
Every Emptiness in your Roads”, that is.
Kampai for 2018
and beyond.
