In The Face of Glass Half-Empty Beer…

16^th holiday’s passed in 16 years… When in this every season comes, I'm having a cruel time affording to understand of letting go of the past loss. Where heart breaks thousand time folds while walloping over the inevitable loss of someone else's close to my heart. Where I made time traveled sailing back to the gloomy past fringing my own world over the quietus of dear to me; where I became unexcited over the joy that everyone quite to enjoy celebrating with. 

Truth be told, the pangs of uncertainties haunted me constantly in years whenever this season comes. It ricochet. I made time stop (again) and the clock ticks 16 years aback... It’s a memory that I am trying to death embed under unto the most ground but keeps coming back from its grave. A thought that is almost immortal, a zombie-alike...

In the face of glass half-empty beer, I am always reminded with someone dear to me, a dearest mirrored in my heart enormously. That’s Father, yes the beloved colossal hero of my life. The one I truly look up to... My "influencer."  

Many things happened in the span of his on-and-off hospice admittance. It was excruciatingly a struggle...  But few days before his final breath in bed at home, he asked me and beg to have his best-loved beer…  A drink that made my path turned around. A drink that change the course of my fate. A final drink he left half-full, half empty glass of beer that forever etched in memory.

His passing was my greatest loss knowing that he was everything. So much that he means the world to me. Doubts shrouded over me with his complete loss, thinking over and over that I might done something wrong... I lost my track and sight of envisioning life. I let the passing-time swallowed me whole. Then and now, It was always darkest hours.  That bitter breaking final moment was as hard as mixed sullen solid rock-salt that no such heat or solvent could easily make it melt and or sweeten. That “I wanted to drink from a horn to let my body grime over with grease and gore”, then.

It was difficult. Addle to every goings. And the struggle was real. Murky reminiscences keep crawling in me alive….I was weak and fragile to face the reality.  That, at my weakest I want everything in me breathless.

But this has to end. It’s never good to stay sulky and gloomy over the past.

Punishing your own thoughts that holds back your will to keep going was a mistake to begin with should I realized then long before. It was wrong all along to let the unfortunate circumstances torment you while traversing the road called moving on. It’s been 16 years and it will never bring any good. Great happy memories that shared together should cherish, not those amongst that’s agonizing. A father’s life teaching virtues and noble lessons should have been more revered and value rather than lingered yourself by his absence repeatedly that made you stop the time and remained to his unseen presence.

Father and Son, one in the same passion: the love of music

As I make resolve, I knew it will be a thorny walk ahead while facing the challenges of new decided beginnings. But for the sake of shaping the best installed, we need to look and go forward, that I must. Find your bliss. It may be too late but there’s no harm in trying even it means of starting all over and over again. It's never too late for a heart who seeks and desires joy and happiness.

It will be for good to end this 2017 with a toss of beer to rest the encumbrance of the heart. I may be jogged or banged by the memory of the glass half-empty beer that banes me in a while, but there’s one segment part of life that is “glass half-full” in a glass half-empty. That is to be “optimistic” (once more). And that the “beer” alone whom once tossed by my hero (actually) leaved me a lesson: “Brave Every Emptiness in your Roads”, that is.

Kampai for 2018 and beyond.